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Sex is believed to be a fundamental component of a relationship. Many, especially some men, believe it is mandatory for a relationship to function accurately. Some women as well as some men however do not accept this as a valid argument. It is not new that there have been relationships severed because there were disagreements over sexual matters, ranging from its frequency to its deprivation.
Should sex be the basis of every relationship? While making decisions on who to have a relationship with must it be considered as one of the major factors? In the run of the events, how much influence does sex wield on a relationship? Importantly, is sex usually worth the commotion it springs in some relationships?
The answers to these questions are based exclusively to each individual, and the positioning of the answers differ from one person to the next – from a gender to the other. Some men are known to express their intense sexual desires so much that it sticks as a belief that a relationship cannot work without coition, while some do not believe it should be at the center of control of a relationship. Some women, conversely, have advocated that sex is almost unimportant in a relationship. It is believed by this group that sexual activities are unnecessary and, by their imaginations, should not be demanded by men.
In my opinion, I do very much accept that sex is an essential part of a relationship which, amongst other things, should promote profound intimacy. But I disagree that a relationship should depend wholly on it. Great sex is helpful to a relationship and, with a few other attributes, does enhance the consistency of a relationship to an extent. It can also be understood that boring sex from either partner in a relationship has often times led to cheating. A situation where a partner is not satisfied sexually, then he or she plunges into another affair to get pleasurable sex. It has become some sort of cycle.
If a relationship therefore is based mostly on sexual exploit, it is most likely going to be shaky after a while when either of them gets bored with the partner and finds someone else. Importantly, there should be other reasons to be with your partner other than for sexual reasons – if you are for real and not testing the waters (sampling and ‘marking registers’). It is a pity that in some relationships women have turned sex – and demand of it by men – to be equated to receiving an invitation to meet the President. I am all up for a woman deciding whether or not she wants to lay with a man, but when she begins to harp on it unnecessarily it becomes lousy and intolerable. A few women make it feel as though men are being done a huge favor by having sex with them (and it makes me wonder if the pleasure is blocked mentally by them, or they are being a little hypocritical to accept what ought to be obvious).
There have been situations where a girl would say things like, “I don’t blame you, it’s because you have seen what you want to see, you have had me, so it’s not your fault” at every little dispute in their relationships, even when obviously the guy did not go into the relationship for carnal gains. Sometimes men get tired of these things and when the grumbling spins out of control, they abscond the relationship. This is when the famous “Men are always after sex” line is retorted over and over again.
Some men also have cheated themselves from being with good women because their demands for sex were not granted. I am all for a man having sexual desires that he wants fulfilled, after all, as they say, men have needs, but it is a little disturbing when some men abandon some of these kindhearted, gracious women because they cannot grant their lascivious cravings. Should men rate sex over the quality and personality of a woman? Should men not see beyond these erotic fantasies and accept women for who they are and at least try to work their way around the discourse for acceptance and implementation of sex? I agree, nonetheless, that men have a right to choose who they want to be with based on their own terms – and choosing to be with women whose interests, in this case sexually, align with theirs.
Some men reluctantly agree – if they ever do – to a sex-free relationship with women who are not virgins. Should this be considered unfair to such women who have made decisions not to have sex in their relationships? Should the men feel they are not trusted enough – or do not deserve the privilege – to be involved sexually with such women, thereby deeming it distrusting and unfair to their commitment? This answer lies within each individual who finds himself (or herself) in a state such as this. I do not consent to a man treating a woman unjustly because of her refusal to be involved with him sexually. Unfair treatments such as cheating on her and constantly employing her rejection for sex as a leverage to spite her, or ultimately bring her to capitulation and giving in to his will should not be condoned or lived out.
Then we have the virgins. The female virgins, that is. Some of them often believe that every man they are in a relationship with is after the ‘cookie’. Well, news flash, not every man is. And this assumption has killed some relationships because the lady keeps touting her virginity as though it is the only virtue she possesses. What happens when a woman loses her virginity? Will you be wanted by any man for who you are if you lose it? Apart from your virginity, what other desirable qualities do you have as a woman? Some virgins need to understand that although a man might feel privileged and honored to be the one to pop the hymen, it however should not be a reason to be extremely and annoyingly rude in a relationship. Some of them act as though the ‘commissioning’ of their hymen leads to the other side where one can shake hands with Jesus (no disrespect meant to Christians).
Do not misunderstand me. Virgins should be appreciated, and such women ought to be commended, but as far as I am concerned they should not get any fairer treatment than the other women who are not. All women should be treated equally regardless of the presence of their hymen or the absence thereof. Virginity is not the gate to heaven. And it does not guarantee that a woman is not promiscuous. A woman’s worth lies within her heart, beliefs and character. Not in her virginity. I saw on twitter some weeks back when a guy tweeted, saying, “Virgins are the only good women left in this world” and I considered it reckless and unguarded. The women who are no longer virgins now once were. What a woman does after she has lost her virginity becomes part of what defines her level of faithfulness. Virginity does not habitually make a woman good, it only makes some people assume she is good. A woman may be good regardless of the status of her virginity. Hence, it is pertinent for this group of women to understand that their relationships should be rid of any possible provocative assumption that every man they are involved with is after deflowering them.
Women are the same and their choices have to be respected accordingly. If that is impossible, then a man has the option not to get involved at all or rescind his commitment in the relationship if he is already committed to it.
Men must also understand that there may be issues warranting a woman’s reluctance to have sexual intercourse in a relationship. Sometimes, it may have stemmed from a really uncomfortable personal experience; other times it may be a culmination of doubts acquired by ostensible surrounding traits of unfaithfulness demonstrated by some men. In other cases, which I perceive is the predominant of all, a woman wants to be allowed ample time to make the decision for herself as to whether or not she wants to be involved sexually. But, unfortunately, when this does not happen and she feels coerced, she is likely to retract and cancel on the possibility of being involved sexually. Therefore, at times when a woman indicates she does not want to be sexually active, it may not have anything to do with her distrust of the man particularly, but the fear of being let down as she may have witnessed or, worse, experienced on first hand. Besides, almost every woman wants to keep a clean slate and not just give it up to every Abdulkareem and Michael she dates unless the relationship is properly evaluated beyond reasonable doubts.
Lastly, it is to be appreciated by both parties involved in a relationship that no matter how enhancing great sex, it is not mandatory for its workability. And if you both parties have consented to sex in their union, they should improve in it and make it interesting.