We were in my room when I told her. We were both sitting cross-legged on my bed, the white powder cut in lines between us. It’s hard getting coke in this area but somehow that guy in 3A always has some. Nobody knows how he gets it. Nobody cares.
So, there she was across me. A little of the coke on the tip of her nose but yet she looked beautiful.
“Muna”, I said and she looked at me without moving her head, just raising her eyes.
“You know…I think..umm..I think I love you.”
I said it. I really said it.
She just kept on looking at me for a while, then she bent down, face to the bed, nose to the coke. She sniffed quite a few, raised her head and winked at me.
I smiled. It was my turn. I bent down and sniffed too. My nose was itchy and I was sure it was bleeding a little but I didn’t mind. It was my turn.
I knew she loved me too. I knew. She didn’t need words. I reached across the lines of powder and held her bare legs. She was just in her panties. She leaned forward a little and I smiled.
The ceiling fan whirred on as we had sex nay, made love. We made love on top of the coke, its whiteness mixing with our sweat. We didn’t mind. We could always get the white powder again.
I wonder why he thinks I always want to have sex. He touches my leg (or any part of me for that matter) and I don’t do anything, next thing he is on top of me.
Horny bastard. The guy’s got stamina though. Gotta give him that.
We wasted some good blow though. Rolling around in it, I wanted to push him off the bed but he was too strong for that. After some time, I didn’t mind though, the sex took over and the blow was wasted.
I know Stan would never do such. I know Stan would never waste such good blow, I know he would cherish it…but then again, Stan wouldn’t like cocaine. He would see it as bourgeoisie, some stuff for the rich kids. I am a rich kid, Melvin is a rich kid, Stan isn’t.
“Ya got some weed?” That was his line. His question to anybody that looked like a dealer.
I miss him.
Why did you leave, Stan?
“I wanna travel, hun…see places…do new things”
“No, Stan…stay here…see me…do me.”
But he had left. With just a backpack and a little money, he had left. With no phone, he had left. I didn’t know where he was going. He didn’t either.
“I’m doing it bohemian style, babe”
Bohemian style, my ass. Nobody just ups and leaves like that in this country. I thought it was all the weed talking but he had left and I miss him.
Melvin said that he loves me,I hope he snaps outta it.
The party is really cool and he’s here. Down by the bar, hanging onto every word she says. I would hang on to anything he says. And other things.
Paul whom I had shagged last 2 nights passed by saying Hi but I don’t say anything back. Just kept on looking at beautiful Melvin…with Muna. I wonder what he sees in her. I wonder if he is like that. Like me – a boy like him sometimes is.
I can only hope.
We left the party early. Melvin and I. To his room. To some new blow. To the music turned on quite loud. I made sure of it, I had turned up the volume on his stereo myself. I didn’t need his banter. I didn’t need his noise. I had made up my mind.
We got high.
We had sex.
It was my good bye to him. I had made up my mind. After the sex, he had looked at me with so much expectancy on his face. It hurt to see that look. Not that much though. I had made up my mind.
“I love you, you know?” He had shouted.
I had kept quiet. Music so loud. I didn’t need his noise.
“You love me, right?” He had asked, still shouting.
Quiet again. That look. It hurt. Not that much though. So much hope,so much expectancy in that look. I got angry then.
Why should I love you, I thought?
Why can’t we just get high and have sex?
“No”, I said then.
His face fell and he turned over.
I didn’t say a word more.
I just picked up my jeans from the floor.
I still had my t-shirt on. I slipped into the jeans and left, the door closing with a thud on the music and him.
I had made up my mind. It was the last time. Stan had called before the party. From some call centre in Instabul. I miss him. I’m going there to meet him.
We gon’ see places together,do things together.
I lay there for a few hours. It could have being minutes though. I’m stoned outta my mind.
That’s for sure.
She doesn’t love me.
She doesn’t love me.
She had said no.
Certainly poetic and she’s worth it. My beautiful Muna. My love. No, not suicide. I’m just stoned. Snap outta it.
I turn over to her side of the bed. Her smell hits me in waves,the bed is still warm and wet from her sweat.
I know there’s a razor here somewhere.
I go to the bathroom and run a bath.
I come out and see a few ounces of the white powder beside the bed.
One last high, maybe?
I’m walking down the hallway. The party was a blast. He had left early. One moment he was there,the next he wasn’t. I reach his door and stand there for a while.
Hope he is around. Hope he understands.
I knock once. Twice. Thrice.
My knuckles pain me a bit.
Paul opens the door and smiles.
“I knew you would be back sometime.”
I just smile and walk in.